Tag Archives: cnn

CNN Asks: Jewel-Encrusted Albinos & Body Image

7 Mar

Occasionally CNN becomes entirely slack-jawed – at those times, I step in to assist.

How can I get my toddler to eat more?

Cancel that poor baby’s subscriptions to Cosmo and Vogue – popular media just gives them an unrealistic portrayal of infant body-shape.

Got a question for Matt?

Yes. Who are you, Matt?

Analysis: A chance for US to bash Iran?

Analysis? Chance to bash Iran? This sounds a lot like the US was on the receiving end of some zinger, and it only came up with a decent rejoinder after the moment had passed.

Iran: “Your capitalistic secularism has created long term instability in our region.”
US: “That’s what she said!”

Who's buying homes? The rich

Thanks for rubbing it in, CNN. I eagerly anticipate next week’s article: “Who’s buying a rocket-powered motorbike to jump over a string of fifty jewel-encrusted albinos, only to land in a pool filled with money? The rich.”

Just how bad is the iPad 2 camera?

Pretty bad. It’s rumored in some circles that the iPad 2 camera spent most of the late-’80s helping run Baby Doc Duvalier’s regime in Haiti.

Questionable CNN

26 Jan

When CNN finds itself confused, I step in to help.
Will Congress heed Obama's call? – because, seriously, he’s been phoning non-stop for something like two years now, and they usually just let it go to voicemail.

Will Egypt follow Tunisia's lead?I believe so, I’ve heard that Tunisia is an excellent dancer.
I think this is really derived from a dissatisfaction with repetition. Let’s can the symphonic work and get something fresh out there – Daft Punk, for example, did an amazing job on the Tron: Legacy soundtrack.

Botox? Wine bars? 13 unusual perksDespite CNN’s repeated attempts at playing matchmaker, I continue to refuse Meg Ryan’s proposal of marriage.

Baseball's first $300 million man?Finally, something sports related that I can get excited about – bring on the cyborgs!

Leftovers

18 Jan

This is actually an item I was half-considering for yesterday’s CNN responses, but there was no comedy in it.
Is Arizona suspect evil or mentally ill?It may not be humorous, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a ridiculous question. Here’s a quote from Jared Loughner, which I recently came across over at Bothersome Things – read it and decide for yourself.

“If you’re editing of every belief and religion reaches the final century then the writer for every belief and religion is you.

You’re editing of every belief and religion reaches the final century.

Thus the writer for every belief and religion is you.

You control every – thought, action, and lifestyle – for the person or people as the mind controller.”

– Jared Loughner

A brief joust with CNN

21 Dec

Sometimes CNN’s front page gets confused, and, at those times, I lend a helping hand.

I realize this isn’t a question, I just thought it was cute that they let Bret Michaels’ mom post something on their front page.

I expect a follow-up tomorrow morning: “Why Doesn’t Bret Michaels Call His Parents More Often? They worry.”

Should the sun rise? Should humanity continue to breath? Should monkeys be dressed up in people clothing and given cigars? Should CNN stop asking obvious questions?

Maybe, but, unfortunately, much in the same way that a high-speed car crash can save you from cancer.

I’m hoping for a Broadway show, possibly followed by a book tour.

Manimals

1 Dec

I’ve seen a lot of Xtranormal videos floating around the web lately, so I thought I’d run a quick experiment and turn yesterday’s CNN post into a short film.

This was the result:

CNN Has Questions (and Turkey)

30 Nov

Periodically CNN.com gets confused about who’s asking the questions, and who’s supposed to be answering them, so I pitch in a helping hand to clear up the confusion.

Uh, I believe it’s a right and then another right at the desert. Wait, no, maybe it’s a right and then – hmm.

You know what? Let me check Google maps and get back to you.

Anderson Cooper is actually already on his way over to your house to cough on your meal, so, unfortunately, yes.

CNN Front pageAye, you’ve got to punch them in their bad wing.

CNN Front pageThis isn’t actually a question, but it is a perfect example of why you want to be sure to kill and pluck your turkey before attempting to deep fry it.

You Again?

18 Nov

Sometimes CNN gets confused and requires a little help.

I am here to provide that clarification.

All of these items are from today’s front page.
Chilean Miners Traveling BandThey forgot the punctuation on this one, but my guess is, based on the recent reunions of both The Backstreet Boys and The New Kids On The Block, and the depressed look on these people’s faces, that Menudo is about to announce a comeback tour for its late-’70s line-up.

Haunting Questions

  • That ghost-Priest that keeps interrupting sexually-charged moments to scold unmarried fornicators.
  • Well, we wanted to save up enough money for a place that wasn’t haunted first.
  • At least it’s better than cutting loud-mouthed Uncle Teddy.

Harry Potter I’ve never heard of this scrappy Potter kid, hopefully this gets him some press coverage.

FacebookThe afterlife is full of people trying to get me to play Mafia Wars? I’ll pass.

News Booze Snooze

13 Nov

I try to keep this kind of thing down to no more than once a week, but my cold has made me ornery, and, from the CNN front page:
Drunk CNNThis lead was either written by Tarzan, or someone with a third of a bottle left on their desk and a smile on their face.

Questionable CNN

12 Nov

From the CNN front page:
What?Let’s ignore the fact that this sounds like a b-reel gag from a late-’70s/early-’80s car & cop movie – I’m looking at you, Cannonball Run – why is CNN presenting this as a question? The “?” actually detracts from the lurid tease.

Breaking News

10 Nov

Oompa Loompa Update
Absolutely not from the CNN front page.