Money Making Machine

1 Feb

I assume you’ve seen an ad from one of the recent bumper crop of money-for-gold companies?

I have a business proposal for you.

We rig up a computer to a modified high-heat oven, and put it up against a mail slot.

When the mail gets delivered, it drops onto a small sorting unit which separates things out into individual letters. The letters are scanned, then the ends are cut off. The gold (which we’ve released a marketing campaign offering to purchase at not-quite-gouging prices) is dumped from the torn envelope and into a smelting unit, which heats to exactly gold’s melting point, and mechanically separates anything else that might survive (diamonds).

The gold is set into blocks, which are then weighed, and a feeder unit dispenses the proper amount of money (as well as any of the other odds and ends that survived the smelting process) into an envelope, which has the address pre-printed with the location originally scanned from the letter-face.

Once a week you take some of the money we’re now rolling in, insert it into the pay-out hopper, check the envelope & ink supply, grab the outgoing mail, then walk off to a fancy party with your pockets full of gold blocks.Gold Machine


4 Responses to “Money Making Machine”

  1. bmj2k February 1, 2011 at 15:17 #

    With genius ideas like this out there, why would any government want to convert to electronic currency?

    • JRD Skinner February 1, 2011 at 15:26 #

      Frankly, I’m a traditionalist – I’d like to see a return to a chicken-based economy.

      • bmj2k February 1, 2011 at 15:31 #

        It is the money that keeps on giving, just a few dozen egss and it paid for itself, then trade the chicken to the local doctor for a housecall, and hatch some of the eggs for more chickens. Who would ever go broke?

      • JRD Skinner February 1, 2011 at 15:40 #

        Foxes? Omelet lovers? Rocky, if he’s training?

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